The Mouthpiece
Re: Destruction, Exhaustion, Boredom
Hi! No, I’m not dead (yet).
The days so quickly melt away that it’s almost scary… I feel like I just posted my frozen pizza review, and yet, that was almost three weeks ago now. I’m sure it only gets worse as one gets older — in fact, I don’t have to guess (I guess) — I already know this, but sometimes you just have to say/type things out loud in order to make them slightly more… swallowable? Digestible? I’m not hungry, I promise.
On Saturdays, I start work at 6:00 AM (CT) and thus wake up at 4:20 AM — after arriving at work (I’m the only one here at that time) I usually start stuffing myself with the random assortment of foods I brought to get me through the day. On any given Saturday morning, you could bet your life (though I’d be curious as to how you wound up in that situation) that I’ve already eaten a salad, a non-zero amount of some kind of chips, a string cheese, an applesauce, a Hot Pocket, etc. all within the first hour of being here. I don’t know why I do it. I literally do not know why. I just do it. Afterward, I tend to sit and feel bloated and miserable while catching up on emails and tickets (IT couldn’t be more boring if it tried) until my lunch break arrives. On lunch, I try to go to Planet Fitness, but sometimes I fail. Sometimes I just end up — magically?! — in the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru and before I can finish tapping my slippers I’m halfway down the cylinder of a large order of fries. The sandwich is already gone without a trace; I inhaled it, of course. There’s Polynesian sauce on my shirt now and I have to go back to work for another 3 hours. I cry in the mall parking lot for exactly one minute (not because of what I’ve done, but because of who I still am). This is what I like to call mindless destruction.
Have you ever approached a donut/cookie/brownie sitting on a countertop, and on the way over to it thought “I don’t need this… I shouldn’t have this,” but continue to advance toward it like a zombie, only to begin a blind, hollow munch despite not really wanting to? Sure, of course you have — it’s universal (or close to it) — we know the action goes against our own better interests but can’t stop for whatever reason. For no reason at all! And we do not know why. How am I supposed to fight this? Chewing some gum? Breathwork? Get real. There’s been a lot of mindless destruction in the last few weeks on my end. It starts small… little choices that I’m happy brushing off or justifying… but I just don’t want things to get out of hand (all I’ve really done is take it light two days in a row with my exercise and overdo it on sodium1 a bit — nothing world-breaking — I’m just hard on myself).
I think my problem currently is that I’m not feeling particularly inspired by anything right now. I don’t feel inspired to write, even as I write this right now (and I hope that fact’s not coming across too strongly). February is a tough month for me, always. It’s just… never Good and has historically been Very Bad2. I let it get to me every time it rolls around as well, never actually fighting for a better February, but always succumbing to the “inevitable” Bad February. Is it fated?
Surely not. Someone somewhere is having the greatest fucking February ever.
It’s just… not me. And that’s okay. I just need to get through it.
Anyone who knows me very well knows that I’m a huge fan of mixed martial arts (MMA), and in MMA there’s a phrase that gets overused, but its applicability for the rest of life outside of the cage is limitless: you gotta “bite down on the mouthpiece!” I’m sure you can guess what it means without me having to fully explain it… but in an effort to waste our collective time further… it means that when you’re deep into a fight and hurtin’ badly — barely able to stay standing, much less fighting — the best thing you can do to (try to) keep the dream alive is to bite down hard(er) on your mouthpiece and just throw leather. The mouth guard’s purpose is to absorb/evenly distribute the impact of a punch and reduce the likelihood of your jaw moving out of place, which can more easily result in getting yourself “rocked” or even knocked out cold. Life throws a lot our way; it’s so easy to get knocked off course. Even now, as I’m sitting here click-clacking away, I’m thinking about how little I want to go the gym after my shift and get through my lower body workout and cardio session thereafter. I’m dreading the sweat — my workout playlists are boring now — I’m running through the motions of each exercise in my head, knowing the strain that awaits me — I’m honestly hating every second of the mental tunnels I’m wandering down as I do it.
But! BUT!
It’s a FIGHT — and I’ve done well thus far… banked some rounds in my favor… I’m up for now! — but I’m undeniably tired and my hands have slumped nearer and nearer to my waist (they need to be UP, protecting my chin) …
In a real fight, you can get away with taking a round off if you’re already up on the scorecards and just need to kill time until the final horn. Skirt the outside, throw shots and kicks from range, block like your life depends on it, run the clock. Easy. Not so easy, however, when the battle is endless and the flurry of blows from your opponent (your own mind, snacking, laziness, take your pick) is ceaseless and causes the numbers on the scale to go up each time you let them get shots off on you. My fight is in Round 313 and you know what? I could really use a break (please? PLEASE?).
But a break from this fight, for me, is essentially a death wish. Or it feels like it anyway — I have to frame it that way. My opponent has beaten me countless times in the past and this might very well be my last shot, my last permitted rematch — my last shot at glory! — my last crack at the championship belt! — if I don’t come out on top. I’ve done incredibly well this time, against the same opponent that’s always had my number, FINALLY, but the second I let my hands drop, a well-timed barrage could quickly take away everything I’ve worked toward for almost a year.
Put simply… I cannot afford to lose.
I’ve got nothing else to say this time around. Sorry. I’m just struggling.
Should I do more food reviews? I enjoy crafting them. Let me know, please. Right now, I’m just trying to not give up (I won’t, though, don’t worry — I’m just, like, stronger mentally than that notion or pang at this point). I’m trying to get to my goal weight before Day 365 (which would be April 2nd, 2025 — coming right up!) and still hovering around where I’ve been at for a while. I’m bored of the gym. I’m bored of walking. I’m bored of salad. I’m bored of being bored. Ugh!
What ever can I do? What MUST I do?
Same thing I’ve been doing. That is the Way.
It’s time now, more than ever before, to bite down on the mouthpiece and swing for the fences (lest I get swung on any further and lose it all).
As I mentioned, do let me know in the comments (if you’re not shy) what kind of thing you’d like me to write next. What do you want to hear me ramble about, if anything? Maybe I should just go dark until I get to my goal weight. I don’t know. Much to consider. Regardless, thanks for being here and for returning — the support is incredible. Hit the heart button for the algorithm on your way out. Peace and love.
Until next time,
Spencer
I have a history of kidney stones, so I (unfortunately) have to watch my sodium, calcium, and oxalate intakes relatively closely. It, uhm, definitely sucks ass. Nothing more I could ever say on the matter!
One of my best friends passed away on February 11th, 2018, and though it happened “long ago” I can still stir the feelings up again so acutely, at the drop of a hat, that suddenly long ago is right now and I’m there, on the day, dropping to my knees again with a spiritual kitchen knife in my chest. I’m okay now, though, mostly. Death comes for us all and life’s valleys and endings are still beautiful and appreciable in their own charred way(s).
I think in the Marines they say, Embrace the suck, something like that… seems applicable for you and everyone else trying to get through February. I can relate to almost everything you wrote.
Well done! You nailed that feeling.
I think we derail when we have something unaddressed on the back burner taking our energy and attention. Just that slight mental distraction can cause real problems. Figure out what it is and let it go. It’s out of your control.