A Suspended Pocket of Stillness Between Climax and Oblivion
Re: One Year, New Goals, Gratitude
Hi! Been a while…
(Yeah, I know… a long while.)
Today is Day 394! Far out.
February 8th was the last time I posted, apparently? Damn. My bad for real. I’ve been busy! At least somewhat, anyway. I’m writing this mostly so that my last post before disappearing again isn’t the majorly dark Mouthpiece post. All of what I said at the time of writing that piece was true — I was in a rough spot motivation-wise and without seeing much in the way of new progress, my fortitude and stick-to-itiveness were fading, waning, whatever-ing, etc.
But! Spring has sprung! Summer is just around the corner! I’m feeling better now!
Blue periods will happen — especially in the midst of February — dark, dark, dark blue — Prussian, Midnight — but it’s getting warmer, and I’ve been able to exercise outside more which seems to help me in just about every conceivable way. It’s all gravy1.
Before I get too heavily into things, I first want to give a shout out to Gatorade (not earnestly, but not… not earnestly, either). I’ve been staring longingly at the Green Apple Gatorade (full sugar) for several years wishing they would make a zero-sugar version. Finally… FINALLY… they did. I noticed a glowing green bottle in the Planet Fitness fridge recently as I beeped myself in at the desk and walked over to check it out. Was I about to get fooled by Cucumber Lime again? Nope. As if it had been crafted specifically for me, there was a row of ice-cold Apple Burst Gatorade Zero waiting to be reached for. And reach I certainly did…
Recently, I got to experience my One Year Anniversary of Doing This.
I scheduled a follow up doctor’s appointment to see how far I’d come in 365 days.
On April 1st, 2024, I weighed a titanic, regrettable 519.7 lbs. / (235.7 kg).
I knew I was going in heavier than I’d ever been, as mentioned in a previous post, but assumed I’d be closer to 470-480 and not (well) over 500. It was quite a shock to my system when I saw that number, and what I’d done — in hindsight, though, I’m actually quite thankful because I might not have done anything as drastic had it been closer to what I expected. I might’ve just shrugged and been sad but not sprang into immediate action. My blood pressure was 176/something (I forget, and annoyingly my past charts won’t load in MyChart!) — that’s a hypertensive emergency in case you had any doubts. I’d let my health roll away from me like a tire a down a hill. At the time of that first appointment, whenever I would stand up — basically 95% of the time — I’d get lightheaded for 30 seconds or more. Anytime I got out of bed or up from any horizontal position, I’d experience vertigo and nearly topple over. I could tell something was going on with my eyesight — too much pressure — too scared to go to the eye doctor to confirm my fears. My legs and feet were uncomfortably swollen. I was convinced I had “procured” type 2 diabetes and refused to get my blood drawn to find out (I had not, somehow, thankfully).
To put it in chess terms, I was in check, running scared with the walls quickly closing in.
But it’s only ever checkmate (in life) if you decide to give up. And you all already know the story, scrawled in the inks of my own blood, sweat, and tears…
I did not give up. Not even once.
On April 1st, 2025, I weighed a boyish, breezy 398.5 lbs. / (180.7 kg).
I managed to lose 121.2 pounds.
That’s a UFC strawweight on fight day.
That’s a recently retired gymnast.
That’s a dining room table.
My blood pressure? 120/80. Blood test markers? All normal, all in the middle of their respective ‘green bars’ — even my cholesterol! Needless to say, my doctor was incredibly pleased with my work. “Everything looks good” — that’s what my appointment notes say.
I’m a healthy person.
I’m a healthy person.
I’m a healthy person.
Big, still, but healthy — closer to a Daniel Faalele type than an Israel Kamakawiwo’ole one. I healed so many parts of myself. It’s fucking awesome. That cannot be understated. I can run a mile+ now without feeling tired or breaking much of a sweat. I’ve trained myself to run up giant hills with my weighted backpack on — no problem — I can do anything2 if you give me enough time.
I’m a machine now.
I lift at least some weights every single day, too. I still eat a lot — and all things I truly enjoy! The main things I limit are fast food and DoorDash/delivery. I eat a lot more fruits and vegetables now (dried mango and dried pineapple are consumed perhaps more than any other food in my diet — need to make sure I don’t Steve Jobs myself, but uh…) and a lot less meat/protein (I think the insistence on needing tons of protein that you see just about everywhere in society now is complete bullshit). I eat many, many different sources of fats and carbs — these aren’t scary if you simply limit (or control) your caloric intake. Eating is one of the greatest joys of life — don’t eat fearfully and don’t starve gallantly.
I genuinely feel bad for the people — specifically the Bro Science types — eating exclusively broccoli, steak, and rice that I now see in every corner of the internet. It’s absolute bollocks — utter hogwash — unless you’re literally a bodybuilder (which you are not — and neither am I — nor will we ever be). Sure, eat those things, but also (PLEASE) enjoy your life and eat OTHER STUFF, TOO. Eat some processed garbage! For real. It’s OK. There are heaps of 20-something year olds with Instagrams promoting shitty whole-food-only diets making millions of dollars by repeatedly showing off the same plastic rectangle of meal prepped beef crumbles, eggs, and cubed avocado while looking hot and happy doing so. Over and over and over — and we think this is Good, and the apogee of Healthfulness. As the endless stream of braindead reels, shorts, and stories smother our subconscious thinking in awful, plain Greek yogurt (don’t forget the everything bagel seasoning!! the hot honey drizzle!!), we imagine that This Must be The Way. The Only Way.
It is Not. It’s not for me and it’s not for you. Variety is both the spice of life and the key to (long-term) success. Eat some good stuff (to keep you healthy), eat some bad stuff (to keep you happy), track your calories (exactness recommended but not by any means required), and exercise every. single. day.
I won’t go on too much longer — just a few more bits before I sign off again for a while (I assume). Unless someone demands I stay. Then, perhaps, I will try to write these again with some greater regularity.
In terms of NEW goals, I’ve got a couple. I still need to get to my ultimate goal weight — somewhere between 360-375 (don’t forget I’m 6’8”!) is where I want to be for the foreseeable future. I will never be thin and have no desire to be. I think losing another 30-40 pounds is doable in the next 6-8 months if I really stay focused/lock in/apply myself. I’ve taken my foot off the gas pedal when it comes to hitting new weight milestones, but I think I’ll get back to redlining soon considering the summer months are approaching, and after that, my wedding!
I recently hit my goal of running up the giant Concordia University Wisconsin hill with my backpack on, without stopping. It was incredibly hard and took weeks of failed attempts before finally nailing it. The most frustrating aspect of this goal was that I could only make one attempt per day, because after the first, my lungs would be totally shot and worthless for any further attempts — didn’t stop me from trying, though! But every time I did, I’d only get about halfway up — all in all pretty worthless. Finally making it to the top without stopping was a beautiful moment I won’t soon forget. I was on fire.
I also want to try intermittent fasting at some point; let’s see if I can make that a thing for myself. 16/8 seems to be the most beneficial framework? I think my window of eating would be 12 PM to 8 PM, with the morning hours focused on hydration and patience. Maybe I’ll give that a go starting …soon? and report back here when I’ve given it a fair shot. It’s pretty antithetical to how I currently eat (ceaseless grazing), so, I’m interested to see where it might lead me.
Hopefully somewhere good? It might be the key to losing the last 30-40 lbs.
Last thing I’ll say before I hit the ol’ dusty is that I am deeply appreciative for the amount of love and support3 I’ve received throughout my time doing all of this. Ultimately, my losing weight and getting healthier is cosmically just… nothing. Not even a blip. Not even a memory of a memory of a half-blip. But for me — silly old, cosmically insignificant Me — it’s been just about everything and has taken all I’ve got to keep going. I got on the treadmill yesterday and did 10 minutes. Then I got off and went back to my car. Then I went back inside to do another 10 before quitting again. I did NOT want to keep going. Finally, my third attempt brought me to 30 minutes for the day and that was it. Done. That’s all I had in the tank, and I had to reeeeeally drag it out of myself. But the point is that I did it. I got it done and quieted the old version of myself that stays locked away for his crimes but shouts loudly and often for freedom. Sorry, bucko, not today.
It’s just… extremely cool… knowing that there are so many people I’ve met through all sorts of disparate channels and occurrences in my life that have cared to keep up with me and my little journey. Life is hard, beautiful, and so incredibly strange. I never thought I’d be here, doing this, writing about my weight loss in the past tense (!!!).
I figured my thoughts would eat myself at some point. I figured I’d just lay down and die on some random Tuesday — no recourse. Some awful and far-too-soon Sunday — no return.
The hospital’s beeps beckoned, calling me home in their morbid Morse…
But here I still am, and here you still are, and both of us barely know why.
What more could I ask for?
Believe me, I’m thankful for every second.
Until next time,
Spencer
Speaking of gravy… anyone out there agree with me that gravy is one of the greatest liquids of all time? The GLOAT, one might say. I’d drink it straight if the idea didn’t bring instant shame (and plaque) to my bloodline. Sausage gravy, brown gravy, doesn’t matter. I love it. If you’re ever at Dairy Queen, get the chicken strip basket and dunk those bad boys in their gloopy (not pejorative) white gravy. One of the best fast food/drive-thru meals you can get this side of the Mississip’ — trust me on that — I’d know.
Well, not quite. ‘Anything’ is far too broad, of course, but I’m certainly down to try any physical or mental challenge — always have been (a well-documented/oft-orated fact), but even more so now that my body and mindset are as formidable as they currently are.
IN PARTICULAR: I am so lucky to have the undying support of my fiancée Megan — she has my adoration for life (obviously) and has steadily sacrificed quite a bit whilst I’ve chipped away at my goal(s). I’m home less often, I’m more tired than ever before, and I eat far less fun stuff (which in turn means us going out to eat less) — these are all things that can go unnoticed/unappreciated but add up over time! You know it’s love, though, when there’s no score.
This is so heartfelt and beautifully written. My favs “I can do ANYTHING if you give me enough time.” What a huge life lesson.
“I am healthy”
Wow. What a gift and new chance at life you gave yourself!!
I am so proud of you!
Your heart is your whole existence and now you and Meghan can enjoy life together!♥️♥️
You, sir, are a miracle! You were at birth, it continued as you grew and today you’re even more miraculous (and inspiring) as you make this hard fought, hard won and endlessly positive journey! So proud of you, each and every day! This is the only life battle that truly matters and you are crushing it! Keep up the good work! Love you so much!
pops